Sorry about
the delay. That old machine I have as computer was believed dead for almost
three days. Luckily, it has resurrected, so I can continue posting my
exercises.
Lesson One:
the first stanza (there is no emotion, there is peace)
I've always
had problems with my emotions. Sometimes they are so strong and sudden that I
just can't control them. Sometimes I was able to localize its origin, but there
were other times were they seemed to come from nowhere. When I started the Jedi
path, I discovered that my strong emotions are due to my Emotional Intuitive
nature. I knew of the Jedi Code long before I arrived at the IJRS, and it has helped
a lot during the last years. One of the most important stanzas for me is the
first one.
During the
last days, which have been filled with a lot of emotions, mostly negative, this
first line has been quit helpful, especially with my sister and father. After
the death of my mother, a lot of things have happened and I've found emotions a
little oppressive. Maybe due to my Emotional Intuitive nature, I can kind of
feel other people's emotions in the air, at most of times I make them my
emotions, too. I can kind of project my emotions around me, too, so people
around me are sometimes affected by what I feel. Emotions can be really
exhausting, especially when they are strong feelings. For example, sadness,
anxiety and fear have been the strongest ones during the last day. My sister,
for example, has started realising that she had changed a lot since my mother's
death. She's confused because she kind of has lost herself and doesn't know who
she is. She's tired because she has a lot of nightmares and can't sleep well,
and is afraid because of those nightmares, because she doesn't know who she is
and because she is starting to lose the memories of my mother (she told me that
the other day and it made me really, really sad). And all that makes her feel
irritated, aggressive and angry, which makes her be mean and rude sometimes.
She has a lot of feelings inside of her, and I think she isn't able to name
them or express them, so she pays it with the rest of the world. So, when she
starts to act annoyingly or mean and I start feeling myself anger, I take a
lair of deep breaths and repeat the first stanza in my head a few times. I
recognise the emotion (normally anger or exasperation), feel it, understand it
and let it go. It works most of times.
I've also
discovered that it is easier with "hot", brief emotions like anger,
frustration, irritation, exasperation, hate... you know, those who seem to make
tour blood boil and makes you want to punch or kick or kill something :fight :) (you know what I mean) than with
"cold", oppressive, long-lasting emotions like sadness, psychological
pain, guilt or fear. I've found guilt and sadness difficult to deal with. In my
mind, I visualize anger or hate as intense flash of light, for example. They
start quickly and usually disappear quickly, too. But cold feelings are
difficult to identify and difficult to let go. In my mind, they are like
something big and oppressive that squeezes me and doesn't let me breathe. They
are in every thought and they seem to tear you apart. I don't know if you know
what I mean. Usually, meditation and music are enough to recover my balance, at
least temporally. I must work on this.
I also
sometimes have problems with sad TV series/movies. I think I get too much
involved with the characters and I make their emotions my own. Sometimes I've
started crying watching a TV show and those have feelings have
"opened" something in my heart and suddenly emotions have started to
pour from it. Now, it doesn't happen often but I don't like the idea of having
repressed emotions somewhere in my heart. That implies ignoring and trying to
supress them and that definitely isn't the Jedi Path. Must work on that, too.
I also
wanted to share with you some experience, and by the way record it so I can
remember it in the future. On September 9 I'm going to go to Denmark on an
exchange program with my high school. It is not going to by my first flight in
plane, although I've never liked them. Seems I prefer to have my feet on the
ground :) But one month ago more or less I dreamed that a plane crashed. It was
a really vivid dream. I could almost fear the passengers' emotions just before the
plane crashed. But I don't know if I was on it or I just was a spectator. But,
anyway, I am scared. I know you will probably think that I'm making too much of
it, but I've had other dreams like that and in the end they have come true.
Don't laugh, it is really scaring. Okay, now you will probably be thinking that
I am a liar and that I am crazy, but I swear it is true. Ever had déjà-vus? It
is a similar sensation. Anyway. My problem is that the fear of living my father
and sister alone if my dream is true is all the time in my mind. I've tried
meditation, I've tried to repeat the first stanza, I've tried to let it go...
but when it leaves, it returns later, stronger and more intense. So, what can I
do? I don't want to live fearing something that may not happen to me, or not
happen at all!
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